when i grow up...

It just struck me that I'm 33 years old and I have never quite decided what I would like to be when I grow up. There were so many things I wanted to do, and how many people can truly say 'This is it, this is where I'm meant to be, this is the purpose of my life.' ?

I read somewhere that the purpose of life is life itself. To be in the moment, to be aware of beauty, to be open to all the possibilities-- that is happiness in itself. But so many of us run around in circles, searching for meaning, looking for the things that they think will bring fulfillment.

So I try to do all that I can, in the hope that one of those things will resonate within me, strike a nerve somewhere, and I'll be able to say 'This is what makes me happy.' But I can't have everything. There is only so much I can do. Happiness is a conscious choice. If I were forever looking, forever searching, I miss the point. I will always be lonely, because there are things around me, within my reach, that are beautiful sources of happiness in themselves, and I will fail to see them.

I didn't have too many grand aspirations. I wanted to design clothes. I wanted to travel. I wanted to live for a while in a trailer to chronicle life in little towns and write stories about fascinating ordinary people. I wanted to crochet pillowcases, build a library, and raise my children well. I wanted to take pictures of clouds and dragonflies, do artwork in pointilism, paint cherry blossoms on my bedroom wall.

You see, I guess I will not decide what I really want to be, because the possibilities are endless. I guess I'll list down all the things I want to do, sort of like "100 Things to Try Before I'm 60," and do them just for the heck of it. I'll have fun with it, and I will not take myself too seriously. And I guess I'll enjoy myself so much I will think of another 100.

So I will tell my children to say this: When I grow up, I will be everything that I can be. Yes, why not?