for gemma

My best friend from college is getting married next week. We met again after about four years, and over pizza we talked about marriage.

Girl, I am truly happy for you that you're getting married. I wish with all my heart that your man will bring you only happiness. I wish you a good life together. I wish that your new family will bring you fulfillment.

I wish there were fool-proof, 100% guaranteed-to-work seminars on how to stay happily married. Your mother and sister could give you good advice, and I'm sure I'll have lots of opinions, but in the end, what matters is how much you care for each other. I've been married nine years, and still I cannot tell exactly how you can keep loving the same man if you wake up with him morning after morning, after you've gotten used to all his good points and all his faulty mechanisms. What I know is that I want the marriage to work because of all the love that was there in the beginning, because of all the effort we put into living our life together, and because of the children.

But it doesn't stop there. You have to always remember that you promised to love him till death do you part, and hello, walang divorce sa Pilipinas. There will always be rough times in any marriage, there will always be little fights, minor and major irritations, and it is part of the deal that your foundation (the reason you married him in the first place) should be strong enough to withstand all that.

And one last thing: leave something for yourself. You could give him all the love in the world, but you should also love yourself. Your whole world should not revolve around him. There should be enough respect for yourself, enough value, enough space, to keep you from being just a shadow. If you feel that it's your job to keep him happy, it's also your job to keep yourself happy. There should always be something for you. Gemma the person is just as important as Gemma the wife and the mother. It gives you your dignity, so that when the kids leave the home or (let's hope not) the marriage falls apart, you have enough to go on.

Congratulations, and good luck.