Kaye is upset today. She has been in an argument with her husband, and he has accused her of having had an affair with another man.What's worse is that the affair was supposed to have happened two years ago. That particular argument has been going on for quite some time, and Kaye never knows when her husband would bring it up.
What hurts is that Kaye had never been unfaithful and had no idea that her husband was doubting her. Her supposed lover is still in their circle of friends, in the same place where her husband works.
Now, after two years of defending herself, Kaye is getting angry. (Side comment: She must be some kind of a saint.) She is thinking of walking out on him. And she made the unfortunate decision of asking me what I think.
You can only insult a person for so long. Anyone who gets hurt often enough gets mad enough to either walk out or lash back. Even a dog knows that. No matter how much it loves you, if you kick it around for years, it's going to bite you one day.
No, wait. I have a better example: the cat. It can get mad if you step on its tail every day, but do it one day too many and it will come biting and scratching. A dog can say sorry with the way it rolls its eyes, but a cat never, ever shows remorse on its face when it decides to fight back. Ooh, I can feel my claws coming out now.
Being angry with your husband doesn't mean you have to break some plates or run to his mother to tell her what a bastard he's been. You can scheme. (Side comment: You knew I was mean.) It gives you time to calm down and consider all sides of the story. If you sit back awhile, you can ask yourself if he's worth it. But more importantly, you can ask yourself if YOU are worth it.
You have the option to stay and keep trying (for another twenty years?), but not at the cost of your self-respect. I stand by what I say: you alone are responsible for your own happiness. If you allow your husband to damage your self-esteem every day, who would you blame for your misery? If he has succeeded in making you feel worthless, it's because you chose to believe it. And if he calls you a whore? You don't have to prove anything if you think your honor is immaculate.
Remember running away? I think Kaye has gotten to the point of paying all the bills and her kid's tuition for the year. And every time you come close to doing it, it gets easier and easier to actually do it.
When strong women walk away, I'd like to believe that it's not because they admitted weakness or defeat. It's because they liked having that option, and they had all the bases covered before they walked out the door.
I wish I could tell all men never to make the mistake of marrying-- and offending-- a strong woman. But then, most men underestimate what a woman is capable of doing until their asses get whipped.
One last word, Kaye. Walking away will not stop the hurting. If you walk away, you'll find the most difficult thing is saying goodbye to your child. My running away list does not include goodbyes, but your heart will definitely break, even while you're sneaking underwear out of your own house, one piece at a time.
My heart goes out to you, Kaye, but if you do decide to go, I also applaud.
(Thanks to Win for the picture. My MBA9 pals would understand.)
